My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
