I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
