i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
