i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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