Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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