Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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