Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
