I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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