Dude my mom stole all your condoms
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
