my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
