So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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