my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
