I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
