If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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