you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
