I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
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I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
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Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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