Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
