I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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