I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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