Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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