turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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