Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
