How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
