I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
