Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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