I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
