My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Help. Why am I so naked?
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