They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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