just tell him i said nine months
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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