I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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