and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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