there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
