DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
