she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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