I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
