You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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