was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
