New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
