hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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