Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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