i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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