Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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