i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
