According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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