i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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