Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
