I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
