I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My day in three words: secret purse cake
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
