Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Oh god it's open bar.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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