is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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