just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Im part way to drunk.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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