now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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