literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
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