I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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