I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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