I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just got carded by a ten year old.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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