I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
