He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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