We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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