K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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