I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
