so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
