They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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